Family reflections
by DWGolondor
Summary: Leia reflects on how she lost both Han and Ben. Sometimes the cycle of pain in her family never ends. Set in "The force awakens" before Han and Finn go to the death star. Memories set years before the seventh movie. Christmas Present to "Galaxies in her eyes".


**Buon Natale Marzi! This is my Christmas present for you! I hope you will like my little one-shot to Han and Leia :D To all my readers, merry Christmas! I have decided to write some one-shots as Christmas presents for my online friends on fanfiction! This will be the first out of many! XD I am dead after all of these :p Enjoy!**

Here she was again, in her room, staring at the wall, while reflecting the recent events. Leia did that often. It was a way to deal with her frustration. And recently she had a lot to deal with. With her leading the rebellion…again, fighting the dark side…again. All of this felt so similar and yet…so different. This time like last time a family member of her has turned to the dark side and was one of the most feared villains in the whole galaxy now. The only difference, last time she didn't knew it was her father and it took her a long time to understand his actions and to forgive him. This time…it was her son.

She sighed as she thought about him. She wondered where it all went wrong. Was…was she such a bad mother that she drove him to the dark side? Was her family destined to be driven apart time and time again? A feel of pain went through her chest as she thought about that. She really had thought it all was over when they defeated the empire. When her father had thrown the emperor down the reactor.

Her throat felt very sore right now and a feel of shudder went through her mind as reflected it all. How it all happened. How her family ended…

" _Mommy, tell me a good night story!" Young Ben cried at her as he was carried by her into his bed. Leia chuckled at this. Ben was always a very hyperactive and excited child. Always curious to know more things even though he was only 6 years old._

" _Okay Ben, what would you like to hear?" she asked him in a motherly voice as she put him down on his bed. She wasn't very good at storytelling, she will admit that. It was usually Han that told the good night stories._

" _Tell me about the jedi's and sith's! Where the jedi fought Darth Vader!" he cried excitedly smiling at her as he was jumping up and down on his bed. Leia's heart stopped for a moment at this. Where did he knew about this?_

" _Ben sweetie, how do you know about the jedi's and sith's?" she asked softly. She first thought it might be Han who has told him about this but she knew that Han hated to talk about the past._

" _Your books! They are full of awesome stories and fights! I only read a bit but it sounds awesome!" he said grinning._

 _Leia mentally cursed herself for this. She knew she should have put these books in a more safer space._

" _Sweetie, I don't think that's a good idea. These are adult books. These stories are not for kids. How about I tell you the story about Cassian and Jyn?" She said smiling at him hoping that he would understand but her hopes where shattered when her son suddenly began to shout at her._

" _But why?! I am old enough! Daddy already told me the story of Cassian and Jyn around a 1000 times now! I want to hear about the empire, the jedi and the sith's!" Ben cried pouting obviously angry that she wasn't telling him about this._

 _Leia sighed. She couldn't tell him about those stories. Not at this age. He wouldn't understand._

" _Ben, please understand. These stories are not suitable for young children." She tried to explain to him, but he wouldn't listen to her._

" _TELL ME ABOUT IT!" he cried at her with his max volume now. Leia looked at her son in shock. When did he started disobeying her in this way? She frowned at this. She wouldn't let her son treat her like this._

" _No, this is my last word. You go to sleep now. No bedtime stories for you tonight. And If you shout at me like this again you will be grounded for a week." She told him strictly._

" _But…" Ben cried, but Leia cut him off._

" _No buts!" she told now a bit angrily as Ben felt silent. She now felt a bit guilty. Maybe she shouldn't have screamed at him like this but the boy needed to be taught discipline._

" _Yes Mommy." He said quietly as Leia smiled at him._

" _Good boy." She said smiling as she gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Night sweetie. Sleep well. Mommy loves you." She told him with love in her voice._

" _Love you too Mommy." He replied to her but it didn't sound like he meant it, which made Leia a bit sad. He probably was only disappointed. He will be normal again tomorrow…hopefully._

 _She gave him a last kiss and left the room. Should she have told him about the stories? She could have made a child version of it without mentioning names. She then shook her head. Not it's better if he would hear about them later._

She sighed as she thought about that day. Was this how it started? His interest for the dark side. He definitely was interested in the jedi's and sith's, but Leia didn't believe this was the time where his obsession for the dark side has started. That came later and Leia knew when.

She remembered how Ben became more and more depressive during his teenager years. At first Leia didn't knew why. She assumed it was probably the hormones, but as this continued she got worried. Later she found it out. She and Han found it out.

She flinched a bit at the thought of Han. Their last encounter before their reunion was not great. In fact, it was probably the worst depart she could imagine. Han…even through all their fights and disagreements, this man always knew how to made her feel special. He challenged her like nobody else did and despite how he often told her how tough he was, she knew his inside and it was full of love and determination. Han would do anything for his family…even if it meant going a different way than Leia did.

" _Hey Ben, how was your school day?" Leia asked her son as she walked into the kitchen where she was cooking dinner._

 _Ben only gave her a nervous smile from which Leia could read that it was not a good day. "It was okay…nothing special I guess." He told her shrugging with his shoulders but she could hear from his exhausted voice and his sadly looking eyes that he was not okay._

" _Sweetie, you can tell me anything. Did any of the students bully you again?" Leia asked softly._

 _A few weeks ago, Ben finally told her and Han what really bothered him so much. She was shocked when she heard about the fact that he was bullied. Apparently, parents taunted him with the fact that he was obsessed with the old stories and that he was a nerd and that his parents would be ashamed that his son was so uncool. They also taunted his appearance, because of his large nose. Leia was furious when she heard about this. How dare these teenagers bully her child? He had done nothing wrong! She wanted to contact Luke who was the principal of the jedi school, but her son told her that he could deal with it, so she dropped it._

 _Ben turned away from her. Despite his face being turned away from her she knew that he was fighting with the tears. She could sense his whole body shaking. "Yes."_

 _Leia felt how the anger flew through her body as she heard his words. "That's it! I am going to contact Luke about this! This needs to end!" she cried angrily already on her way to the messenger when Ben stopped her._

" _No! Please…I…I can handle this." He said so softly that it broke her heart. Oh god, he sweet and innocent son, why did he had to be bullied?_

" _Ben, those teenagers won't stop if I don't contact Luke. I am sorry but this is the only way." She told him, but Ben didn't listen to her._

" _No!" he cried blocking her way. "Please."_

 _She looked at him in shock and just wanted to reply when suddenly a voice entered the room. "He is right. You won't contact Luke, cause I will deal with these kids." Han said entering the room looking very angry._

 _Ben smiled at his father. "Thanks dad, I..." then he realized what he said. "Wait, no! You won't go either!" he cried._

 _Han frowned at this. "And why not? These kids need their ass beaten by someone. They need to know that bullying is wrong, especially against my son."_

 _Leia frowned a bit at this. "Han, you will stay out of this. Luke will deal with it, he is the principal, he knows how to deal with it."_

 _Han glared back at her. Leia groaned on the inside. Oh no…please let him not… "He is my son. I don't care if Luke is a god, I will go." He told her stubbornly not even willing to listen to her._

 _Now Leia was ticked off. She was already in a bad mood because of the bullying of her son, she didn't need an argument now too._

" _Now listen you…" she started but was but was cut off by her son._

" _Will you two shut up for a second!" Ben cried with his full power silencing both as they stared at him bewildered._

 _Leia stared at her son as if was an alien. It didn't happen often that Ben shouted at her._

" _Now, I know you two mean it well, but I really don't want any help. I can do this on my own." He told them with a small smile but Leia could hear the anger in his voice._

 _Han frowned at this. "Now listen here kid. I have watch this theater going on for too long. The hell I am going to let those baboons gong to bully my son more."_

 _Leia nodded at this. Despite how many times they argued, there was one thing they always agreed on: Ben._

 _Ben stared at them for a few seconds without any reaction. Leia was now worried a bit. Had they ticked him off?_

" _You know what? Fine! Fine! Go to them! Embarrass me even more than I am already am! I don't care anymore!" he cried at them his voice trembling as he turned around heading to his room._

 _Leia only could look back at him totally bewildered. She was shocked at her son's reaction. Never did she thought he would disobey them like this._

" _Ben…" she said softly, but Han cut her off._

" _How dare you speak to your parents like this!" he said angrily as he grabbed Ben's backpack. To her surprise, it was open and a book fell out of it. She was even more surprised when Ben's face turned white like a ghost at this._

 _Frowning she picked up the book and gasped at the title. It was a book about the dark side. Information and more about the dark side of the force. For a while she simply stared at the book in total horror, then she looked up to Ben with rage on her face._

" _Ben, can you explain me what this is and how you got this?" she snapped at him her voice trembling with anger. Never in her life she had been so angry at her son. She told him a thousand times that the dark side was dangerous!_

 _When Ben didn't answer, Han picked up the book and frowned at it. "The hell? A book about the dark side of the force?! Ben Anakin Solo! Where did you got this?!" he shouted at him his voice full of anger and disappointment._

 _When Ben didn't answer again, Leia went dangerously close to him. "Ben Anakin Solo, I am counting to 3 now. If you don't tell me where you got this, you will be grounded for a month." She whispered dangerously._

 _She couldn't even imagine why her son even needed this book? What was so fascinating about the dark side?_

" _One…" Leia started to count hoping he would get the signal now but he still didn't respond._

" _Two…" she continued but as Ben still didn't replied her anger almost reached the highest point._

" _Thre…" she began when Ben suddenly opened his mouth. Leia already began to relax a bit when he suddenly dropped this bomb._

" _None of your business." He told her cheekily as Leia was lost for words. Did…did he just?_

" _BEN ANAKIN SOLO! YOU APOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOTHER NOW!" Han cried his face completely red now, but Ben didn't look even regretful at this which worried Leia a lot, but right now she was too angry for this._

" _No." he responded emotionless which made her explode._

" _THAT'S IT! YOU ARE GROUNDED! GO TO YOUR ROOM! YOU ARE GROUND FOR 2 MONTHS! I WILL CONFISTICATE THIS BOOK AND YOU WON'T EVER TOUCH THIS KIND OF BOOKS ANYMORE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!" Leia cried at him her voice dripping with rage and disappointment. It hurt her to scream at him this way._

" _WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" Ben cried back at her but Leia was done with him._

" _DO WHAT I SAY! I WILL TALK TO LUKE ABOUT THIS BULLYING THING, BUT YOU ARE GROUNDED!" she screamed at him._

 _For a few seconds it was silent in the room. All three of them were staring at each other with anger in their eyes, their faces red like a tomato. Then Ben stormed away from them quickly and they could hear a loud noise as if Ben closed the door with full anger._

" _DON'T THROW THE DOOR!" Han cried already on his way up, but Leia held a hand on his shoulder._

" _No…let him. Let him calm down. He won't listen to us now." She said softly._

 _Han only stared at her in disbelief. "Have you seen what he has done? He needs a good lecture that kid!" he cried but Leia only shook her head._

" _I know…but…but not now. I can't deal with this right now." She said now a few tears forming in her eyes._

 _Han noticed that and softened immediately. He took her in a warm hug as she snuggled into his chest._

" _Where have we gone wrong Han?" she mumbled softly._

" _I don't know dear, I don't know."_

It was then when Leia should have tried to talk to him. Understand his problems. Understand why he did this. No, but instead she forbids him all contacts with these books. Leia knew she was overprotective, but from this day she became ultra over protective. She thought she was protecting him, but instead she was only driving them more apart from each other.

Tears came into her eyes when she thought about the day where he left.

" _Ben, please. You can't be serious about this. We…we are a family." Leia said now with tears in her eyes._

 _In front of her was Ben, but he was totally different from the Ben she knew. He was dressed in a dark cloak. All his clothing's were dark and his eyes were now yellow. He just burst into the living room glaring at her with so much hate in his eyes that Leia almost fainted in pain._

" _Family? Family?!" he said laughing with bitterness in his voice. Everything made Leia's heart fall apart into a million little pieces. "We haven't been a family in a while now." He said darkly. There was no regret, no guiltiness, no love in his voice. Only deep hate and loathe in his voice._

" _We still are a family! You are my son! I am not going to allow you to be brainwashed by Snooke and the dark side!" Leia cried begging for her son to stay, but he only scoffed at this._

" _You don't allow me? You never allow me doing anything. Also, I am my own person. You can't tell me what to do." He spat at her. Leia couldn't bear all his hate anymore. She wished this was only a bad dream and that she would awaken of it any time soon._

" _Ben…you can't mean this." she said softly, but Ben cut her off._

" _Oh, I mean every single word of it, Mother." He said as Leia's heart broke completely. No mom, no mommy. No, she got a cold mother now._

 _Leia wanted to response when she suddenly felt how her throat got tight and she couldn't breathe anymore. She looked at her son in horror. He was force chocking her!_

" _You know, you are annoying me." He started taunting her as tears fell down Leia's cheek. "You were once a good mother, I will admit that, but that was the past. What I have now is far better than_ _ **family**_ _. I have now unlimited power." He said his voice dripping with venom._

 _Leia couldn't move anymore. She only could watch as her son began to choke the life out of her and how he shattered her heart with his words._

" _You never understood me. Never understood my motivations." He spat at her. "But you don't need to anymore, because I have finally found my destination." He said dropping her on the ground._

 _She cried out as she fell immediately ringing for air. Ben even laughed a bit at this._

" _Now you know how it feels if you can't breathe. If you are driven into a corner where you can't do any bloody thing and where you are weak and helpless." He spat._

" _Ben…" Leia said weakly trying to reach her son again, but Ben cut him off._

" _Goodbye mother. This will be the last time you will see me. Tell father my words. I hope I wasn't a too huge disappointment for you." He said then he turned around leaving her for good._

 _It took Leia a while to comprehend what just happened. But when reality finally struck her she broke down sobbing so hard like she had never before. Tears ran down her cheeks as she hugged herself. Ben…her son…her precious son. He was gone. And with that a part of her._

 _She stayed in this position for a few hours. At first she was sobbing uncontrollably, her whole body shaking with pain. But then when her tears had dried, she sat there staring at the wall numbly. She didn't felt anything besides numbness at this point._

 _Han has found her at the exact same point when he arrived hours later._

" _Leia!" he cried in horror. "Leia! Oh god! What happened?!" he shouted as he ran to her._

 _When she didn't respond to him, he took her into a gently hug. "Leia honey, talk to me. What happened?" he asked softly._

 _Some tears ran down her cheeks again as she reflected on what has happened. "Ben…he…he…he is gone…he is gone!" she cried hysterically as she hugged her husband tightly. She couldn't see his face but she imagined that his face was a mix of sorrow, anger and horror. She could literally hear how his heart also broke at her words._

 _Han didn't say anything at this. He simply hugged her as she cried into his chest. He himself tried to keep his tears in his eyes. They both needed each other right now more than ever. They didn't move from their position for the next few minutes. They didn't talk, they stayed silent. Only the sound of a few sobs could be heard in the room. The warmness of his chest was pressed against her as she dried her tears on his shirt. Her eyes were puffy now from all the crying and her throat felt dry like Tatooine._

 _They stayed like this for a few more minutes when Han broke the silence. "I am going after him." He said._

 _Leia wiped some tears away from her eyes and stared at him in disbelief. "Wha…?" she asked overwhelmed by all the feelings._

" _I said I am going after him. I will get our son back." he said firmly to her but she could see his voice trembling._

" _I am coming with you." She said softly now eager to get their son back. "You aren't going alone." She said._

 _Han shook his head at this which made Leia look at him in disbelief. "No…I need to do this alone."_

 _Leia glared at him. "The hell you are going alone! This is not the right time to play the hero Han!" she cried but Han glared back at her angrily._

" _Do you think I want to play the hero?! Do you really think that?!" he shouted at her as Leia felt silent looking at him hurt._

 _Han took a deep breath and sighed. "I am sorry Leia, but this is something I have to do on my own."_

 _Leia felt like as if her heart was getting stomped by someone over and over again. "But why?" she asked in a soft and fragile voice._

 _Now Han looked like on the verge of the tears too. "Cause…Because I failed Leia. I failed as father. It is my fault…and I need to fix it alone." He said his voice trembling as he was close to the tears._

 _Leia looked at him in shock. He couldn't really think that way, could he?_

" _This is not your fault Han." She said softly. "At least not alone, we both had made mistakes."_

 _Han shook his head. "No, I have been a lousy father. Way to strict and hard on our son and rarely there at home because of my job. I…I never acted like the father he wanted me to be. You on the other hand have cared for him. Maybe you have made some mistakes too, but this is mainly my fault." He said softly._

" _You can't mean this!" Leia now shouted at him as she looked at him in disbelief. "Han, you are wonderful father, don't ever…"_

" _Am I Leia? Am I really?" he cut her off. "When Ben was born I already told you that I wouldn't be a good father and I was right. I wished Ben someone better as a father than me."_

 _At this Leia slapped him. Hard. Han only stared at her in shock as more tears fell down Leia's cheek. She didn't know how much of this she still could endure._

" _You listen to me Han Solo. We both made mistakes yes, but you aren't a horrible father. You loved Ben so much and cared about him. We both know that." She said softly._

 _Han shook his head. "Love is not enough Leia. You need to show him that and I never really showed him my love." He said standing up._

 _Leia immediately followed him. "Where do you think, you are going?" she questioned him while grabbing his arm but he shook her off._

" _I am going to get our son back. That's where I am going." He told her sternly._

" _You are not…!"_

" _Leia, I have to do this alone! Just let me go!" he now screeched at her shaking her off. Unfortunately, his push was too forceful which made her fall onto the ground and making her staring at him in shock._

 _Han who immediately realized his mistake stared at Leia and then at his hands in horror. "Oh my god Leia, I…"_

" _Spare your words." She said coldly slowly getting up. She couldn't believe that Han just pushed her. Was everything falling apart right now?_

" _I…" Han started trying to apologized but Leia waved him off._

" _Go…get our son back. You want to go alone? Then go." She said coldly not wanting to deal with Han right now._

 _Han looked at her guiltily then turning around starting to walk away. Before he completely left he turned around for the last time._

" _Leia, if…if I don't succeed I won't come back anymore. You will have Luke to take care of you, but…you deserve better than me. I am sorry." He said with now a few tears in his eyes._

 _Leia's heart now got tortured and beaten up as she heard this news. She wanted to shout at him, cry at him but she got no power anymore. She simply didn't respond._

" _I am sorry." She heard Han's voice saying before he stormed off._

 _When he left all finally broke in Leia. She fell down sobbing not knowing if she could ever heal again._

More tears went down her cheeks as she reflected on that time. It was the most painful and difficult time in her life. Just a few months later Luke also disappeared leaving Leia alone. Alone the believe that she could bring her son back one day made her continue fighting against the Order because otherwise she didn't have anything to fight for.

"Leia?" a soft voice interrupted her thoughts. She turned around blinking the tears away. It was Han. He was leaning against the door looking at her a bit worriedly.

"You okay?" he asked approaching her.

"I am fine!" she snapped as she backed a bit off from him. Even though she forgave him she still didn't really wanted to talk to him, especially about her feelings.

"Are you thinking about Ben?" he asked his voice soft as a pillow. She turned away from him at this. She could hear Han sighing at this.

"Look Leia, I know…our last departure was rough. But I understand how you feel. I lost my son too…our son. I failed to get him back to us…" he said his voice breaking. "I am idiot for leaving you after that."

Leia closed her eyes at this. Old wounds of the past have been opened right now again. "You are…you were always an idiot Han." She said softly. "But you are my idiot. That never changed." She said smiling a bit as she turned around to him.

Han smiled at this a bit. "I guess I am a bit too awesome to not be forgiven your highness?" he joked a bit.

Leia actually had to laugh at this. It felt like a liberation of all the sorrow and worries she had. It had been so long since she properly laughed the last time.

"Don't push it scoundrel." She said hugging him as she put her head against his chest. She felt how a pair of arm twined around her waist.

"We will get him back Leia. I promise you that. We will be family again." He said softly and it was these moments where she just totally loved this man. He could be a jerk, an asshole, an idiot, stubborn, annoying, making her crazy, but yet she loved him as he was also the most caring, loving and wonderful man she ever met. Not to mention that he is devishly handsome, but she didn't mention that too often. Not that his ego gets even bigger.

"I know." She replied to him using those simple words that Han once had told her when she confessed her love for him.

Han smiled and kissed her softly. "Good, don't forget that." He said kissing her a bit more. "God I missed that. I forgot how tasteful your lips are."

Leia laughed at this and kissed him back passionately. Gosh how she missed the taste of his lips and the sparkles that flew around when their lips met. "You are not bad yourself scoundrel." She teased him.

Han chuckled, but Leia could see something in her eyes that shocked her a bit. A mix of sadness and…guiltiness?

"Han…is something wrong?" she asked hesitantly probably not liking what he was going to say.

Han only sighed at this. "Ben." He simply replied and then Leia knew what he meant. Pictures flew through her mind. Memories of their last departure flew in front of her eyes. She blinked.

"You are going to confront our son, aren't you?" she asked quietly knowing that is exactly what he was going to do.

Han nodded slowly at this. "Yeah…and this time I don't know if I will ever come back." He said softly.

Leia went to him and touched his cheek with her right hand. "Han…" she said her voice breaking. She couldn't lose him again, but she knew he had to this. Right now, she didn't know if she wanted to cry or be proud of him.

"I am his father." He croaked his voice sounding dry. "I have to do this." He said now with tears in his eyes.

"I know." She said softly placing her lips on him, maybe for the last time. The taste of lips felt soft and sweet, yet there was a drop of bitterness in it. A bitterness of goodbye. "Go get him." She smiling at him tears sparkling in her eyes. "I love you, you scoundrel."

Han gave her a small smile. "I know." His words almost made her melt. It was too much. "I love you too, your worshiplessness."

Leia laughed at this. Even after all the years of marriage they still complimented each other by insulting each other. That made their relationship so special.

"Go before I go after you and drag you back to me and tie you to my bed." She joked.

Han laughed and bent to her giving her one last kiss. She felt how her whole body wanted to explode at the passion and feelings. Then he broke up the kiss and gave her one last smile and turned around leaving her, probably forever.

As he was gone, Leia didn't break down or was feeling numb this time. No, she smiled, because for the first time in years she felt something else than sorrow and pain. She felt hope.

 **I finished it! Yaaaaasss! Hope you liked it Marzi! I was planning first only Han and Leia, but then I decided that I put some family drama in it XD This is exactly how imagine the breakup of the family. Tragic, dramatic and full of feeeeeeelllss. Did you see how I added a bit RebelCaptain? ;) I tried Reylo but it didn't matched so… :p Anyway I hope you and all my other readers liked my story! I wrote this while I was taking the train back to my hometown XD 9 hours train ride through whole Germany, yeah! Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you all have some enjoyable holidays! Love ya!**


End file.
